So nervous.

Oh dear.

Today is my first appointment with my new OB/Gyn to talk about the MTHFR mutation, my M.S., and all the other magical stuff that I bring to the family planning arena.

People  – I’m Nervous.  Sweaty palms, tummy trouble, sorta-feel-light-headed-about-it-all kind of Nervous.

Nervous that needs a “Capital N” at the beginning, kind of Nervous.

Ok.. dead flat panic.

What is she going to say about all of this?  What if she won’t treat the MTHFR mutation issue as aggressively as I’d like?  What if she doesn’t get all the M.S. stuff, or thinks about it in too “old-school” a manner?

AND – after today will I know when we can actually, truly, totally get this show on the road, so-to-speak?  Because once you iron out answers to all the other stuff – then it all comes down to waiting and wondering if this is really going to happen for us – and I am so scared to find out that even when we deal with all the issues we do know about, some other terrible unknown can still rise up and keep this from happening.

…and it is probably because I am weaning off my Celexa, but that makes me cry a little.  It makes me sad and worried.

So this afternoon at 4 pm, there I will sit in nothing but a backwards hairdressing cape, with a disposable picnic tablecloth over my lap, waiting for this person to plot out a plan and knowing all the while that the best laid plans still sometimes don’t work out.  Ultimately it is in His hands, and only His timing matters.  Sometimes that is greatly comforting – but other times, times like now?  It feels kind of intimidating or something.  Almost futile in a way.

I’m not sure “Nervous” really even begins to describe it.