Thoughtful Thursday – I have a dream.

I have a dream.  Not a Martin Luther King Jr kind of change the world type dream or anything.  Just a quiet little Keri-sized dream in the back of my head that I like to drift off into when another day at the office starts to feel especially hopeless and awful.

In my little day-dream, I am a Stay-at-home-mom with a growing baby on my hip, going about my days doing the things that need to be done.

It isn’t a lofty type of dream – I am not the mom saving the world one committee meeting at a time; or manning the helm of a witty and wonderful blog with a bajillion followers hanging on my every adventure; or the trophy-wife mom driving jr to private pre-school in my G-Class while juggling my husband’s über complex work/social calendar.

It’s just me, with a little one that is half-me/half-The Hub, and Potter at my feet; in a not-too-big house some place that I love and feel safe, some place where the things I do day-to-day actually matter and make-a-difference to those most important to me.

Yep, my biggest day-dream is to be able to run errands. To call the plumber.  To clean and to cook and to hear my kid screaming and look at the clock at 4 pm and realize I never got a second to shower that day.

It isn’t a big dream – and yet in a way it is the biggest and best dream I could ever imagine.  To be able to spend your days actually mattering to those who matter to you. To have an effect on the little and big things that happen in their lives, to devote time to that – actually that is pretty huge.

It is the most far-fetched dream I can think to dream.  It is the biggest anti-reality I can imagine in this life where I get up and spend all day doing things that matter precious little to anyone, and not at all to anyone I love; so that I can collect a paycheck and be able to use that (at least) to better the life of my family and maybe steal a little time to do something for them, for us, before it gets way too late and I have to make myself go to bed so I will be half-heartedly ready to do it again the next day.

I miss my family. Heck we haven’t even expanded the family as-of-yet and I already miss the idea of being there.

Putting aside the money issue, my not working for someone else is still pretty much impossible since I have the whole M.S.-pre-existing-condition-health-insurance-bull-pucky thing to deal with, so it really is just a dream.

Some place pretty and worthwhile to go in my mind, to help heal my heart just enough to go on doing all of this.


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Filed under Day to Day, Thoughtful Thursdays

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