A string of interlocking confessions, really.
It was something that happened very early New Year’s Day of this year that brought Spirit of Power into being. Or how deeply that something affected me, rather.
But I never mentioned it here.
The truth is I don’t much care for New Year’s Eve. No wait, even that isn’t true; I hate it. I hate New Year’s Eve, with it’s expectations that you stay out until all hours, crowded restaurants (serving set menus) that people want you to go to, and large quantities of revelers who spend all of that time drinking WAY too much – either in an attempt to forget the year before, or just “to celebrate” the close of the year.
Last year I thought I had a perfect set up, we just went around the corner to our friends’ place for dinner and a party – right after I welcomed the New Year with The Hub I headed home to my bed not entirely miserable about NYE. Until I got about half a block from our building and heard a noise that was unmistakably Potter Pie barking his furry head off. 6 stories up at 12:15 in the morning.
I started to run.
I got upstairs to find him out-of-his-mind upset, (I assume from the Fireworks that they set off downtown at 9pm and midnight,) and two of the meanest, most obscenity filled notes, clearly both from the same person (all the same misspellings and awful handwriting in both,) one on the door and one that slid under it about 2 minutes after i walked in and just before I heard running down the stairs outside our door.
The Hub walked in a few minutes later to find me crying in a heap on the floor with Potter – and he couldn’t know, but I felt forever changed. Wracked with guilt about the poor dog and what he must have gone through that night and cut raw by the terrible words of my unidentified neighbor. Guilt and hurt that is still as fresh and raw as it was when he found us there on the floor almost a year ago.
And for the past year, I have been this new version of me – the version born in that incident. A version that is just a little bit sad all the time, that is guarded, that only feels happy when her family is in her direct sight.
Above all, a version that hates the home she loved prior to that incident. Who doesn’t feel safe in her home, and who desperately dreams of leaving it – so that she can start over and make a new home in a place where she can know her family is safe, even the furriest member.
That was where Spirit of Power started – my wanting to make BIG changes to make that happen as fast as possible – to think outside my comfort zone and act boldly to help my family get out of here and to a place where I could feel nurturing and growing our family.
I did talk about all of that, though not the kick that got the ball rolling – see this post.
Slowly it became apparent that we would not be leaving here in 2010, and slowly I went just numb enough to accept that and move through my days working toward the other goals (which all tie into moving) that I also made at the beginning of the year.
But I don’t want to live here. I have not found peace here in a whole year now. Our family is starting here, we come and go taking advantage of the fabulous neighborhood here, we have moved forward with completing renovations here, and this is the only “home” we have. I remind myself that we are blessed to have shelter and financial security and that people live quite happily stacked up on top of each other, raising whole families and even that the idea of it used to be just what I wanted to do.
But I don’t want to be here. With every fiber of my being and in every situation we have been in this year, I have wanted to be in a place I felt safe and calm, and I will never find that here again. The coming of The Cub, and the fact that we will bring him “home” to this place makes me feel anxious and angry.
My only truly outlandish, completely selfish prayer is also my most constant – that there is some way to get us out of here that will make The Hub happy financially and leave us all in a new place where we can all find joy. I try to be patient, try to understand that God has a plan, and to remind myself that we are so, SO blessed and I need to remember to be thankful to Him for all of the amazing gifts he has bestowed upon us. I will keep praying, and keep reminding myself that every day.
And I will be starting this year at home with my family – The Hub and Potter Pie and The Cub and me – so at least 2011 will start with good feelings. With all the amazing and wonderful things to come in 2011, I would rather spend it counting my blessings from the very start.