It’s a funny thing, but my lack of updating here at SOP actually stems from having TOO MUCH I want to say.
There have been so many topics swimming around in my little noggin, so many things that I think “I want that to be my next post,” about, that I guess I get a little frozen with option anxiety and just don’t say anything at all.
What are these many varied thoughts, Keri, you ask?
As usual they kind of interweave and overlap, which may be why it is so hard for me to pick one topic lately.
Recently our dear close friends departed for a new and fabulous life in Atlanta. Now they had been planning a move to the ‘burbs of Denver for a while, and I was semi-devastated at the idea of them not being just around the corner from us
when that was the plan. So when the opportunity for great advancement for their fabulous little family came in Atlanta, I confess it broke my heart a little bit. I am FABULOUSLY happy for them, knowing they are settling into their fancy new house with plenty of space and all the things they wanted for their family. I know that in this day and age it is easier than ever to maintain friendships across the miles, and I do so treasure their friendship.
But when I drive by their street on the way home from work now, or walk the dog around the block, my heart always sinks just a little as I remember all over again that I won’t see my friend T walking their dog with her sweetie toddler daughter in the ‘hood anymore.
And , even more selfishly, I realize that The Hub and I are going to have to put ourselves out there and make a concentrated effort if we want to keep seeing our other friends, because this family was very much the creamy filling that held together the cookie of our social group. Between babies and moving and new jobs and, well, LIFE, it is very easy to get wrapped up and let relationships just kind of slip away. But oh how I don’t want that to happen either – new mommydom can feel isolating enough as it is.
In addition to all of that, The Hub and I have been taking a good hard look at where we want our family to go, literally as well as figuratively, in the future. I have been working so hard at the office to make myself someone who is considered “promotable,” but the trouble is, I am not really sure that is even what I want at this point.
There has been some conversation about moving to the ‘burbs ,closer to the mountain areas The Hub loves (and that I want Jr. to love too,) and to my parents, and into a change of scenery for us. There are many very appealing things about looking in the ‘burbs instead of in central Denver: The houses we can afford are bigger and newer out there, in beautifully planned housing developments with pools and parks and streets safe for Coop to learn to ride a bike on. There would be a nice big yard for Potter to go out into whenever he wanted to, and enough closet and bathroom space for me to actually share the amenities in our master bedroom instead of taking over the closet some place else. To be honest, my list of “pros” for living in the ‘burbs is far longer than the “cons,” or even the “pro” list for staying in the city, for that matter.
But there are some whoppers on the “cons” list. My head positively spins with visions of us marooned in the middle of a cookie-cutter wasteland, eating at Chili’s, hording up meat at Costco for the extra freezer in the garage, and driving into
our garage, shutting the door, and never being able to really walk to anything or get to know any of our neighbors again.
It is grim.
I also know it doesn’t have to be like that at all.
It is funny, because when I was high school Keri, young and long on future and on dreams, I wanted to go into agriculture and live in a tiny town in the middle of nowhere. It is almost like either extreme is ok with me – it is just the middle-of-the-road suburban sprawl that scares me.
It would also mean getting a new job, because while I might be convinced to hightail it to the ‘burbs, I refuse to have a long commute. I wasn’t keen on the idea before, but now that Jr. is in the picture, the idea of sucking up time I could be spending with my family fighting traffic, weather, and miles is just not an option. So that opens up a whole “what do I want to do for the next portion of my life thing that makes applying for upwardly mobile jobs where I am now seem like a bit of a waste of energy (but I am still doing it, not wanting to close any doors to places God may be working in my life.)
So around and around my little head goes – missing my friend, but also thinking she has a sweet deal in her big suburban kitchen where she can look out and see her daughter and doggie playing in the yard. Not knowing if I stay here and fight harder to be taken seriously, or head out and towards what could be an amazing opportunity to be closer to my family in location, and maybe even in employment too. BUT, (I think to myself,) I don’t have to move to do any of that, and being a good friend and good family member is only as hard as picking up the phone, or getting in the car and committing to making the effort to foster and grow the relationships that I know mean the most to me (and to my son.)
Toss all that in a pot along with the creeping fear that we won’t even be able to sell our condo, or that my job situation will become even more precarious here, or that my efforts to reach out to friends will be a failure, and mama needs an Advil, stat!
:::big cleansing sigh:::
So I pray and I pray, and I remind Go that he might have to REALLY hit me over the head with a super obvious sign or something, because sometimes I miss the subtle ones.
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11