SOP has been purposefully silent this summer.
You see – I acomplished what I thought I set out to do when I started SOP – I improved my family’s situation: Had Jr, Moved us to a new casa where I felt safe and secure and welcome, Got myself an appropriately upwardly mobile shiny new job… mission acomplished.
Kind of wasn’t sure there was more to say.
Like I said in one of the last few posts – get in alignment with God’s plan and watch those doors fly open, right?
Maybe. Maybe constant trials really are God’s plan for us. It never says anywhere that if you follow Him everything will be rainbows and unicorns and sunny-every-day fabulousness.
We are teetering on the precipice of a life altering setback that we have no way of preventing.
I am lost in admittedly selfish panic and adrift in a sea of hurt and shame and sadness.
I look at my son and I worry that I can’t give him what he needs.
I see my plans and our work and my hope crumbling – I don’t know if anything can save it.
I don’t think I ever really embraced the meaning of the verse that this blog was named for – doubt creeps constantly into my faith. Not doubt of His existence, but almost constant doubt of His plan.
All I want us to do now is to concentrate on giving our son what he deserves and needs. At this point I think that hoping for more is a fool’s errand.
I want so much to be wrong, but it feels impossible from where we are.