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Hebrews 13:5

I have been spinning since last Monday’s…  um…  whatever that was.  Life crisis? Minor breakdown?

Whatever. It left me reeling a bit – my days are so busy that I don’t so much think about it, but I have felt this heaviness in my heart that goes with me through my days.  There’s moments where I recognize the disconnection I talked about – and try to consciously just “be” with Junior in a particular moment.  Mostly days are a blur.

But the nights….

I haven’t slept over an hour in a stretch since I wrote those words a week ago. Visions of what could be, and what will never be; dreams of an alternate reality; the heaviness rising up to a kind of pain consuming my feelings – all with me in and out this fitful sleep.  Such long, awful nights.

My sudden and overwhelming discontent is turning me into a zombie during the day and a haunted shell each night.

This morning, in the predawn hours after a night of prayer and tears and hurt,  I did what I so often do when all seems lost, I opened my Bible to whatever page it wanted to fall, and I search for words to soothe and guide.  It fell open to Hebrews 13, and I read:

“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5.

Oh. yeah.

That.

I felt awful (I know – mission NOT accomplished there, Keri.)

I am in a spiral of anger and envy and want about all of the things my life is not, and I have been letting it drown out all of the amazing gifts He has given me.   I am not walking alone here – I am not where I am by accident. I haven’t been given some cosmic shaft (for lack of a nicer term.)  I am on the path God chose for me.

If this moment is a message put upon my heart by Him, then it is a flashlight at my feet, to perhaps guide me to a next step; not a glaring spotlight meant to highlight so many wrongs that have happened to get me here so far.  A tug on the heart in a different direction shouldn’t be ignored, but losing the joy that I find in my life as it is now because of it is foolish.

Throughout my day I have been reading that verse, again and again, and then finding something happening RIGHT THEN to thank God for.

-light traffic on the way to Junior’s school

-one of our current favorite songs playing while we drove (Breathe by Johnny Diaz – also a good reminder.

-coworker who brought in really good Green Chile to share today (can I get an amen, my fellow GC lovers?)

-beautiful weather when I walked Potter today

-our amazing neighborhood and the house that God guided us too almost 4 years ago

-Junior’s awesome school and teachers who adore the kiddos, and the amazing things he is learning and doing

-contract writing work that is allowing me to do what I love and secure our family’s financial future

-the world’s friendliest grocery store checker when I ran by for a few things

On and on….

Life is not so bad, Keri.  Even if it isn’t that IG picture you built into perceived perfection a week ago.

So I will do what I can, I will pray and keep my heart open to possibility. I will make a concentrated effort to fight back against envy and anger and other attacks – I know they are not from my Lord and they have no place in my heart.

I choose to see this moment as a door cracking open – showing me a glimpse of all that will be down the path He has chosen for me to walk.  I choose to be content in His way, AND His time.

I will choose it again anew each day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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What if He doesn’t answer?

Do you ever feel like you just can’t pray enough about a decision? Like even seemingly perpetual, unending prayer is just not bringing your heart, mind, or hands closer to a course of action?
That is very much where I find myself just now. There are all of these monumental, life-altering, WAY TOO BIG FOR JUST ME choices coming at me in lightning succession, and I feel frozen – unable to move at all. I talk to God. Ask for clarity, guidance, wisdom, understanding…. Even a literal SHOVE in the right direction at this point.
All stays murky. No light, even at my feet to confirm that the ground will be there when I take my next step.
My doubt is compounded by my inability to wait for a clearer path to develop. These are decisions that have to be made – time won’t wait. So I guess… and then I second guess myself.

A lot.

SO MUCH.

Is the quiet, the lack of resounding confirmation and positive occurrence some sort of message that all is not well, that I am faltering and endangering my family’s welfare? I wonder with each decision I am forced to make in the vacuum of seeming unanswered prayer… is this the thing that will ruin it all? Is this what I should do?
“Be still” is not an option here. Absence of response is not an option here.
Reflecting on the past, God’s answers, his direction, his plan – none of that has manifested as a whisper I had to strain to interpret. I guess God knows me well enough to know that he has to hit me over the head with it –I don’t do subtle.
I don’t do risk well either – and each choice lately seems so full of risk.
I literally tremble with the fear of potential harm/greatness when I sit here thinking of the wheels I have set in motion.
In the quiet, the uncertainty, and the magnitude – still I pray.
Please Father… Please God. Don’t let me ruin absolutely everything chasing fool’s errands.
What do you do when it feels like God isn’t listening? When His plan seems more unclear than ever before, and you can’t feel His hand guiding you?
(No really… if you are a Spirit of Power reader, I’d love to know. How then, do you make those choices, when prayer upon prayer bring you no closer to and understanding of which road to choose?)
The comments section is open… share, if your heart calls you to.

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His Purpose, not my own

I did a search looking for a particular post I’d written here long ago, but stumbled instead on to this one.  Much like it always seems that when you open your Bible, you always end up opening to just the perfect verse to speak to you where you are – this post was a gift to my heart and mind.

Building on my prayer and meditation regarding last week’s post – I have been contemplating a page in the “From God’s Words to a Woman’s Heart” devotional titled “You Have Purpose.”

I, like so many women probably would, thought immediately “my purpose in God’s eyes is to be a wife and a mother.  A caretaker and a supporting character in the stories of my family members.” That must be my purpose, because trying to move beyond that hasn’t resulted in any forward motion in years.

BUT WAIT – there was that post from the past saying BUT WAIT!

For years,  YEARS AND YEARS, I had struggled and pushed for some sort of promotion – in my job, in my finances, in my thinking…  IN ANYTHING.

Nothing had really come.  I had felt so helpless and stuck trying to make what I wanted to happen come to pass.

Then BOOM – I tried something different, something a little scary . We changed our plans from searching for a house in the city, and trying for a promotion within my then-employer; to searching for a house and a better job in my hometown.  Doors FLEW open, opportunities for employment were suddenly abundant and generous.  The perfect home at the perfect price presented itself practically wrapped up in a bow.   Every piece of the puzzle seemed to fit – custom designed for our family’s needs at that exact moment.

For over a year I had felt the calling in my heart to return home – but my pride kept me from listening, from hearing God’s direction for my life.  So I met with only closed doors and lack of opportunity.  There was nothing there to be offered for me – my gifts waited elsewhere for me to find when I could follow the plan of His purpose for me.

I find myself in a similar situation now – as our family comes into another season of change, I see now that I must be trying once again to force open a door of opportunity that is not meant for me.  I know from my own experience, written right there for all to see in that post, that fighting against His plan won’t work.  It leads to frustration and stagnation and wasted time and effort.

So I pray today on the verse provided in the devotional, PSALM 13:8:

“The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.  Do not forsake the work of your hands.”

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Or not.

SOP has been purposefully silent this summer.

You see – I acomplished what I thought I set out to do when I started SOP – I improved my family’s situation:  Had Jr,  Moved us to a new casa where I felt safe and secure and welcome,  Got myself an appropriately upwardly mobile shiny new job…  mission acomplished.

Kind of wasn’t sure there was more to say.

Like I said in one of the last few posts – get in alignment with God’s plan and watch those doors fly open, right?

Maybe.  Maybe constant trials really are God’s plan for us.  It never says anywhere that if you follow Him everything will be rainbows and unicorns and sunny-every-day fabulousness.

We are teetering on the precipice of a life altering setback that we have no way of preventing.

I am lost in admittedly selfish panic and adrift in a sea of hurt and shame and sadness.

I look at my son and I worry that I can’t give him what he needs.

I see my plans and our work and my hope crumbling – I don’t know if anything can save it.

I don’t think I ever really embraced the meaning of the verse that this blog was named for – doubt creeps constantly into my faith.  Not doubt of His existence, but almost constant doubt of His plan.

All I want us to do now is to concentrate on giving our son what he deserves and needs.  At this point I think that hoping for more is a fool’s errand.

I want so much to be wrong, but it feels impossible from where we are.

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Hello?

Where, oh where, has our little blogger gone?
Oh where oh where can she beeeeeee?

Busy busy – launching about a bajillion new things at work, getting twice as many in order outside of it.

Update soon. pinky swear.

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Menu Plan Monday Break!

Since The Hub is going to be away from home most evenings this week preparing for and running a giant training, I am taking the week off from Menu Planning – but I will be posting my creations for myself at ED&BK.  My Solo Meal posts are some of my favorites, actually.  A chance to cook outside my picky eater’s comfort zone!!

Mmmm.

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Post-it Note Tuesday – Live Your Life ed.

 

TI Pic

Stink eye

 

Want more Post it fun? 

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Menu-Plan Monday

Spring has sprung in the Mile High City (amen) and all around grass is getting greener, days are getting longer, and this little city dweller is feeling her mood start to improve.  It also means that cooking changes around The Tree House.   Time to get the old faithful Patio Caddie electric grill out from under its winter cover and ready to be fired up.  Time for less use off the oven that makes my poor a/c work overtime and more quick cooked lean meats on salads.  Time for chilled Vhino Verde and grilled pizza eaten on the patio next to the gel-fuel fire pit, listening to the neighborhood coming and going below.  I can almost smell it – it is so close now.

So, what is cooking this week?

Sunday – Pulled Pork, Corn, Onion Rings (left overs from my Alexia House Party on Saturday)

Monday – Sweet and Spicy Chicken (this recipe), green salad

Tuesday – Taco Tuesday with our neighbors (and a chance for Aunt Keri to snoogle baby Harper)

Wednesday – Grilled Salmon with Broccoli Slaw

Thursday –  Tostadas (something like these)

Friday or Saturday –  Happy Hour at Home – bar snacks done light for date night at home

For other great ideas, be sure to visit the Menu Plan Monday round up over at Orgjunkie.com!

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Post it Note Tuesday

 



Visit SupahMommy to get in on the Post-it Note fun:

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Wordless Wednesday – Step one

A whole new journey starts with one small step…

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