Tag Archives: faith

Hebrews 13:5

I have been spinning since last Monday’s…  um…  whatever that was.  Life crisis? Minor breakdown?

Whatever. It left me reeling a bit – my days are so busy that I don’t so much think about it, but I have felt this heaviness in my heart that goes with me through my days.  There’s moments where I recognize the disconnection I talked about – and try to consciously just “be” with Junior in a particular moment.  Mostly days are a blur.

But the nights….

I haven’t slept over an hour in a stretch since I wrote those words a week ago. Visions of what could be, and what will never be; dreams of an alternate reality; the heaviness rising up to a kind of pain consuming my feelings – all with me in and out this fitful sleep.  Such long, awful nights.

My sudden and overwhelming discontent is turning me into a zombie during the day and a haunted shell each night.

This morning, in the predawn hours after a night of prayer and tears and hurt,  I did what I so often do when all seems lost, I opened my Bible to whatever page it wanted to fall, and I search for words to soothe and guide.  It fell open to Hebrews 13, and I read:

“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5.

Oh. yeah.

That.

I felt awful (I know – mission NOT accomplished there, Keri.)

I am in a spiral of anger and envy and want about all of the things my life is not, and I have been letting it drown out all of the amazing gifts He has given me.   I am not walking alone here – I am not where I am by accident. I haven’t been given some cosmic shaft (for lack of a nicer term.)  I am on the path God chose for me.

If this moment is a message put upon my heart by Him, then it is a flashlight at my feet, to perhaps guide me to a next step; not a glaring spotlight meant to highlight so many wrongs that have happened to get me here so far.  A tug on the heart in a different direction shouldn’t be ignored, but losing the joy that I find in my life as it is now because of it is foolish.

Throughout my day I have been reading that verse, again and again, and then finding something happening RIGHT THEN to thank God for.

-light traffic on the way to Junior’s school

-one of our current favorite songs playing while we drove (Breathe by Johnny Diaz – also a good reminder.

-coworker who brought in really good Green Chile to share today (can I get an amen, my fellow GC lovers?)

-beautiful weather when I walked Potter today

-our amazing neighborhood and the house that God guided us too almost 4 years ago

-Junior’s awesome school and teachers who adore the kiddos, and the amazing things he is learning and doing

-contract writing work that is allowing me to do what I love and secure our family’s financial future

-the world’s friendliest grocery store checker when I ran by for a few things

On and on….

Life is not so bad, Keri.  Even if it isn’t that IG picture you built into perceived perfection a week ago.

So I will do what I can, I will pray and keep my heart open to possibility. I will make a concentrated effort to fight back against envy and anger and other attacks – I know they are not from my Lord and they have no place in my heart.

I choose to see this moment as a door cracking open – showing me a glimpse of all that will be down the path He has chosen for me to walk.  I choose to be content in His way, AND His time.

I will choose it again anew each day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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What if He doesn’t answer?

Do you ever feel like you just can’t pray enough about a decision? Like even seemingly perpetual, unending prayer is just not bringing your heart, mind, or hands closer to a course of action?
That is very much where I find myself just now. There are all of these monumental, life-altering, WAY TOO BIG FOR JUST ME choices coming at me in lightning succession, and I feel frozen – unable to move at all. I talk to God. Ask for clarity, guidance, wisdom, understanding…. Even a literal SHOVE in the right direction at this point.
All stays murky. No light, even at my feet to confirm that the ground will be there when I take my next step.
My doubt is compounded by my inability to wait for a clearer path to develop. These are decisions that have to be made – time won’t wait. So I guess… and then I second guess myself.

A lot.

SO MUCH.

Is the quiet, the lack of resounding confirmation and positive occurrence some sort of message that all is not well, that I am faltering and endangering my family’s welfare? I wonder with each decision I am forced to make in the vacuum of seeming unanswered prayer… is this the thing that will ruin it all? Is this what I should do?
“Be still” is not an option here. Absence of response is not an option here.
Reflecting on the past, God’s answers, his direction, his plan – none of that has manifested as a whisper I had to strain to interpret. I guess God knows me well enough to know that he has to hit me over the head with it –I don’t do subtle.
I don’t do risk well either – and each choice lately seems so full of risk.
I literally tremble with the fear of potential harm/greatness when I sit here thinking of the wheels I have set in motion.
In the quiet, the uncertainty, and the magnitude – still I pray.
Please Father… Please God. Don’t let me ruin absolutely everything chasing fool’s errands.
What do you do when it feels like God isn’t listening? When His plan seems more unclear than ever before, and you can’t feel His hand guiding you?
(No really… if you are a Spirit of Power reader, I’d love to know. How then, do you make those choices, when prayer upon prayer bring you no closer to and understanding of which road to choose?)
The comments section is open… share, if your heart calls you to.

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His Purpose, not my own

I did a search looking for a particular post I’d written here long ago, but stumbled instead on to this one.  Much like it always seems that when you open your Bible, you always end up opening to just the perfect verse to speak to you where you are – this post was a gift to my heart and mind.

Building on my prayer and meditation regarding last week’s post – I have been contemplating a page in the “From God’s Words to a Woman’s Heart” devotional titled “You Have Purpose.”

I, like so many women probably would, thought immediately “my purpose in God’s eyes is to be a wife and a mother.  A caretaker and a supporting character in the stories of my family members.” That must be my purpose, because trying to move beyond that hasn’t resulted in any forward motion in years.

BUT WAIT – there was that post from the past saying BUT WAIT!

For years,  YEARS AND YEARS, I had struggled and pushed for some sort of promotion – in my job, in my finances, in my thinking…  IN ANYTHING.

Nothing had really come.  I had felt so helpless and stuck trying to make what I wanted to happen come to pass.

Then BOOM – I tried something different, something a little scary . We changed our plans from searching for a house in the city, and trying for a promotion within my then-employer; to searching for a house and a better job in my hometown.  Doors FLEW open, opportunities for employment were suddenly abundant and generous.  The perfect home at the perfect price presented itself practically wrapped up in a bow.   Every piece of the puzzle seemed to fit – custom designed for our family’s needs at that exact moment.

For over a year I had felt the calling in my heart to return home – but my pride kept me from listening, from hearing God’s direction for my life.  So I met with only closed doors and lack of opportunity.  There was nothing there to be offered for me – my gifts waited elsewhere for me to find when I could follow the plan of His purpose for me.

I find myself in a similar situation now – as our family comes into another season of change, I see now that I must be trying once again to force open a door of opportunity that is not meant for me.  I know from my own experience, written right there for all to see in that post, that fighting against His plan won’t work.  It leads to frustration and stagnation and wasted time and effort.

So I pray today on the verse provided in the devotional, PSALM 13:8:

“The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.  Do not forsake the work of your hands.”

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Loved in 2016.

Happy New Year!!

We were blessed with a wonderful trip to Texas for Christmas (and happily event-free airport excursions, ) and I came home to enjoy the last few days of 2015 nestled in with my little family.  When I re-read my last entry, I was struck by how downtrodden and dark I know my heart was as I wrote it.

It made me sad, and  also determined to do some heart work in the first few months of 2016.

I have had several friends express to me how much they enjoy Janice Hanna Thompson’s writings (both fiction and non fiction,) and her devotional “From God’s Word to a Woman’s Heart,” seemed a good counterbalance to the particular kind of doubt I had on my heart prior to our trip.

Working with devotionals can be an incredibly powerful and also personal experience, but I would like to share some of what I find and feel as I work through this one.

If you have read this particular book, or would like to share anything based on what you find here on Spirit of Power about it, please do –  so often the greatest revelations come in sharing and receiving from others.

The book’s first entry is “You are loved.” The quoted scripture is 1 John 4:9-12.

What a perfect start to a new year – a reminder of the greatest love ever known, and of the sense of purpose and gratitude that comes with knowing that love. Permission to “drop the act” of feeling fulfilled by external purpose when it isn’t true, (which it just so ISN’T for me of late.) A call to be filled with excitement and wonder in the light of the love that will guide my way- and the sense of purpose burning from inside from that love.

A lot to think about, to meditate on and pray about throughout my day. Such a blessed message for a New Year’s beginning, indeed.

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Each day, begin again.

I guess I have Timehop to thank for my being here now.
For months I have seen past SOP posts popping up on my TimeHop feed via links I had posted on Twitter or Facebook, and each time I sigh wistfully as I read a piece of my past. My heart has been so called to break the silence here – but self-doubt can be an unbelievably loud internal voice.
“It’s been too long. No one cares. Leave it as it is. Who are you, at this time above all others, to take on more and speak to a relationship with God?”

It is that last one that kept me most away – but also that finally today brings me back.

This week I found myself Googling “Praying for my angry son.”
Praying. For. My. Angry. Son. On GOOGLE. On THE INTERNET.

It isn’t laziness. It is desperation. It is also, I quickly realized, the ultimate expression of self-doubt.
In the past few weeks, my sweet son has been so often full anger; of something pent up and out of his four-and-a-half-year-old range to process. It is frustrating to deal with extreme tantrums, sure. It is also heartbreaking to not be able to help.

I have prayed. Oh how I have prayed – for insight into him, for peace within him, for a wine truck to crash in to a liquid cheese truck in front of my house and spill their contents on to my lawn after a particularly rough bedtime. (Just kidding…. No serious.) I have prayed with him, I have prayed while holding him on my lap so he didn’t hurt himself (or us) as he raged. Endlessly have I prayed.

Then I stopped. This week I stopped. Because all of the different practices and distractions and rewards and punishments I have tried have fallen short of helping my sweet, angry son. So why, WHY, would I think that my prayers would fall any less short. Now my heart knows that this is just not at all the way it works, but it was full of sadness and the shame of failing my child.
My head ? My head always goes right for Google.

My search showed I was not in a vacuum – there was a good amount of content out there. Being reminded that the human experience is not one of isolation is comforting. It snapped something inside of me as well – the cloud of shame lifted a bit, and I could see the light at my feet again. I could see that broken and praying for my son is enough. I could see that who I am now is enough to speak it here.
I don’t have to know the right way or the right time. It is His way. His time. Each moment is a chance for renewal. My prayer today has been about giving thanks for the possibilities.

So we begin again.

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