I have been spinning since last Monday’s… um… whatever that was. Life crisis? Minor breakdown?
Whatever. It left me reeling a bit – my days are so busy that I don’t so much think about it, but I have felt this heaviness in my heart that goes with me through my days. There’s moments where I recognize the disconnection I talked about – and try to consciously just “be” with Junior in a particular moment. Mostly days are a blur.
But the nights….
I haven’t slept over an hour in a stretch since I wrote those words a week ago. Visions of what could be, and what will never be; dreams of an alternate reality; the heaviness rising up to a kind of pain consuming my feelings – all with me in and out this fitful sleep. Such long, awful nights.
My sudden and overwhelming discontent is turning me into a zombie during the day and a haunted shell each night.
This morning, in the predawn hours after a night of prayer and tears and hurt, I did what I so often do when all seems lost, I opened my Bible to whatever page it wanted to fall, and I search for words to soothe and guide. It fell open to Hebrews 13, and I read:
“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5.
I felt awful (I know – mission NOT accomplished there, Keri.)
I am in a spiral of anger and envy and want about all of the things my life is not, and I have been letting it drown out all of the amazing gifts He has given me. I am not walking alone here – I am not where I am by accident. I haven’t been given some cosmic shaft (for lack of a nicer term.) I am on the path God chose for me.
If this moment is a message put upon my heart by Him, then it is a flashlight at my feet, to perhaps guide me to a next step; not a glaring spotlight meant to highlight so many wrongs that have happened to get me here so far. A tug on the heart in a different direction shouldn’t be ignored, but losing the joy that I find in my life as it is now because of it is foolish.
Throughout my day I have been reading that verse, again and again, and then finding something happening RIGHT THEN to thank God for.
-light traffic on the way to Junior’s school
-one of our current favorite songs playing while we drove (Breathe by Johnny Diaz – also a good reminder.
-coworker who brought in really good Green Chile to share today (can I get an amen, my fellow GC lovers?)
-beautiful weather when I walked Potter today
-our amazing neighborhood and the house that God guided us too almost 4 years ago
-Junior’s awesome school and teachers who adore the kiddos, and the amazing things he is learning and doing
-contract writing work that is allowing me to do what I love and secure our family’s financial future
-the world’s friendliest grocery store checker when I ran by for a few things
On and on….
Life is not so bad, Keri. Even if it isn’t that IG picture you built into perceived perfection a week ago.
So I will do what I can, I will pray and keep my heart open to possibility. I will make a concentrated effort to fight back against envy and anger and other attacks – I know they are not from my Lord and they have no place in my heart.
I choose to see this moment as a door cracking open – showing me a glimpse of all that will be down the path He has chosen for me to walk. I choose to be content in His way, AND His time.
I will choose it again anew each day.