Tag Archives: goals

Hebrews 13:5

I have been spinning since last Monday’s…  um…  whatever that was.  Life crisis? Minor breakdown?

Whatever. It left me reeling a bit – my days are so busy that I don’t so much think about it, but I have felt this heaviness in my heart that goes with me through my days.  There’s moments where I recognize the disconnection I talked about – and try to consciously just “be” with Junior in a particular moment.  Mostly days are a blur.

But the nights….

I haven’t slept over an hour in a stretch since I wrote those words a week ago. Visions of what could be, and what will never be; dreams of an alternate reality; the heaviness rising up to a kind of pain consuming my feelings – all with me in and out this fitful sleep.  Such long, awful nights.

My sudden and overwhelming discontent is turning me into a zombie during the day and a haunted shell each night.

This morning, in the predawn hours after a night of prayer and tears and hurt,  I did what I so often do when all seems lost, I opened my Bible to whatever page it wanted to fall, and I search for words to soothe and guide.  It fell open to Hebrews 13, and I read:

“Let your conversation be without covetousness; and be content with such things as you have: for he has said, I will never leave you, nor forsake you.” Hebrews 13:5.

Oh. yeah.

That.

I felt awful (I know – mission NOT accomplished there, Keri.)

I am in a spiral of anger and envy and want about all of the things my life is not, and I have been letting it drown out all of the amazing gifts He has given me.   I am not walking alone here – I am not where I am by accident. I haven’t been given some cosmic shaft (for lack of a nicer term.)  I am on the path God chose for me.

If this moment is a message put upon my heart by Him, then it is a flashlight at my feet, to perhaps guide me to a next step; not a glaring spotlight meant to highlight so many wrongs that have happened to get me here so far.  A tug on the heart in a different direction shouldn’t be ignored, but losing the joy that I find in my life as it is now because of it is foolish.

Throughout my day I have been reading that verse, again and again, and then finding something happening RIGHT THEN to thank God for.

-light traffic on the way to Junior’s school

-one of our current favorite songs playing while we drove (Breathe by Johnny Diaz – also a good reminder.

-coworker who brought in really good Green Chile to share today (can I get an amen, my fellow GC lovers?)

-beautiful weather when I walked Potter today

-our amazing neighborhood and the house that God guided us too almost 4 years ago

-Junior’s awesome school and teachers who adore the kiddos, and the amazing things he is learning and doing

-contract writing work that is allowing me to do what I love and secure our family’s financial future

-the world’s friendliest grocery store checker when I ran by for a few things

On and on….

Life is not so bad, Keri.  Even if it isn’t that IG picture you built into perceived perfection a week ago.

So I will do what I can, I will pray and keep my heart open to possibility. I will make a concentrated effort to fight back against envy and anger and other attacks – I know they are not from my Lord and they have no place in my heart.

I choose to see this moment as a door cracking open – showing me a glimpse of all that will be down the path He has chosen for me to walk.  I choose to be content in His way, AND His time.

I will choose it again anew each day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Goals and potholes

“You Can Accomplish Many Goals.”

This is the entry I came to this morning in the Janice Hanna Thomson devotional I am working with. (From God’s Word to a Woman’s Heart.)

The story she shares in this entry, of a woman named Jeannie who longs to branch out into her own interior design business was so familiar to me that it took my breath.

Jeannie didn’t really put a plan into action, she didn’t open her heart and her hands to the work that God could create within her.

Which could just as easily read “Keri didn’t really put a plan into action, she didn’t open her heart and her hands to the work that God could create within her.”

Jeannie was jealous of the success of other women, and scared that she would fail if she did try, and Jeannie didn’t really have faith in her skills and talents.

Yep… check check and check for Keri.

The chosen verse for this entry in the book is 2 Chronicles, 15:7

“But you take courage! Do not let your hands be weak, for your work shall be rewarded.”

As soon as I read this entry, it occurred to me that I could probably spend the entirety of 2016 on this one page of the devotional, and perhaps never truly accomplish what it dares of the reader.    For someone who has failed as much as I have, I am still terrified of what any new failure would do to me.  To be frank, there are probably very few people around who doubt the value of their talents as deeply as I do.

This may be an entry that I spend some time on…  standing where I am in my life today, that small piece of scripture seems an almost impossible challenge.

 

 

 

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