Tag Archives: prayer

What if He doesn’t answer?

Do you ever feel like you just can’t pray enough about a decision? Like even seemingly perpetual, unending prayer is just not bringing your heart, mind, or hands closer to a course of action?
That is very much where I find myself just now. There are all of these monumental, life-altering, WAY TOO BIG FOR JUST ME choices coming at me in lightning succession, and I feel frozen – unable to move at all. I talk to God. Ask for clarity, guidance, wisdom, understanding…. Even a literal SHOVE in the right direction at this point.
All stays murky. No light, even at my feet to confirm that the ground will be there when I take my next step.
My doubt is compounded by my inability to wait for a clearer path to develop. These are decisions that have to be made – time won’t wait. So I guess… and then I second guess myself.

A lot.

SO MUCH.

Is the quiet, the lack of resounding confirmation and positive occurrence some sort of message that all is not well, that I am faltering and endangering my family’s welfare? I wonder with each decision I am forced to make in the vacuum of seeming unanswered prayer… is this the thing that will ruin it all? Is this what I should do?
“Be still” is not an option here. Absence of response is not an option here.
Reflecting on the past, God’s answers, his direction, his plan – none of that has manifested as a whisper I had to strain to interpret. I guess God knows me well enough to know that he has to hit me over the head with it –I don’t do subtle.
I don’t do risk well either – and each choice lately seems so full of risk.
I literally tremble with the fear of potential harm/greatness when I sit here thinking of the wheels I have set in motion.
In the quiet, the uncertainty, and the magnitude – still I pray.
Please Father… Please God. Don’t let me ruin absolutely everything chasing fool’s errands.
What do you do when it feels like God isn’t listening? When His plan seems more unclear than ever before, and you can’t feel His hand guiding you?
(No really… if you are a Spirit of Power reader, I’d love to know. How then, do you make those choices, when prayer upon prayer bring you no closer to and understanding of which road to choose?)
The comments section is open… share, if your heart calls you to.

Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Day to Day, Empowering the Spirit, Uncategorized

His Purpose, not my own

I did a search looking for a particular post I’d written here long ago, but stumbled instead on to this one.  Much like it always seems that when you open your Bible, you always end up opening to just the perfect verse to speak to you where you are – this post was a gift to my heart and mind.

Building on my prayer and meditation regarding last week’s post – I have been contemplating a page in the “From God’s Words to a Woman’s Heart” devotional titled “You Have Purpose.”

I, like so many women probably would, thought immediately “my purpose in God’s eyes is to be a wife and a mother.  A caretaker and a supporting character in the stories of my family members.” That must be my purpose, because trying to move beyond that hasn’t resulted in any forward motion in years.

BUT WAIT – there was that post from the past saying BUT WAIT!

For years,  YEARS AND YEARS, I had struggled and pushed for some sort of promotion – in my job, in my finances, in my thinking…  IN ANYTHING.

Nothing had really come.  I had felt so helpless and stuck trying to make what I wanted to happen come to pass.

Then BOOM – I tried something different, something a little scary . We changed our plans from searching for a house in the city, and trying for a promotion within my then-employer; to searching for a house and a better job in my hometown.  Doors FLEW open, opportunities for employment were suddenly abundant and generous.  The perfect home at the perfect price presented itself practically wrapped up in a bow.   Every piece of the puzzle seemed to fit – custom designed for our family’s needs at that exact moment.

For over a year I had felt the calling in my heart to return home – but my pride kept me from listening, from hearing God’s direction for my life.  So I met with only closed doors and lack of opportunity.  There was nothing there to be offered for me – my gifts waited elsewhere for me to find when I could follow the plan of His purpose for me.

I find myself in a similar situation now – as our family comes into another season of change, I see now that I must be trying once again to force open a door of opportunity that is not meant for me.  I know from my own experience, written right there for all to see in that post, that fighting against His plan won’t work.  It leads to frustration and stagnation and wasted time and effort.

So I pray today on the verse provided in the devotional, PSALM 13:8:

“The Lord will fulfill His purpose for me; your steadfast love, O Lord, endures forever.  Do not forsake the work of your hands.”

Leave a comment

Filed under devotional work, Uncategorized

Prayer

“You are in our prayers.”
Do you ever say that?
It has long been my go-to card notation or statement when a friend or family member (or acquaintance,) is going through a difficult time in life.
It is my favorite statement of comfort to give, because it has always meant so much for me to hear it from others during times of trial or hopelessness. The thought of others lifting me up in prayer is so reassuring and empowering – it is such a blessed gift to offer.
The thing is, it always USED TO, be true. Each night as I put the dog in his crate, and we said our prayers and things got quiet and calm, I would hold his little paws and whisper our prayer:
“Dear God – thank you for all that we have. Please keep us safe, and healthy, and together, and hold us in the palm of your hand.”
Then I would just kind of go through my list of people I knew were in need of a little extra support, or hope, or comfort…. People longing to feel His grace. It was a quiet, special time there in the dark – just me and my dog and our God.
Throw in an active kiddo, many more responsibilities, and an evening of bedtime routines that could be calm or crazy, and I find that time slipping away from me – whether it be with the dog, the kiddo, The Mr, or even just myself. Jr’s prayers get muttered so fast some nights I hardly realize they have been said.
When the house is FINALLY quiet, and I am curled up in my chair with the doggie and my Bible or a devotional or even my journal, I frequently find I am asleep within minutes. It makes me sad, but it also makes me wonder why I feel like I have to “save it all up” for some earmarked time. I know I have moments throughout the day where I feel like I either can’t or don’t even know what to say in prayer – so I just speak one of his names. (Emmanuel is my favorite one word prayer. A statement, a promise, and a calling to Him all in one word. God with us.) Why can’t all my prayers be that immediate. Continuously in prayer…
So this morning when I sent my friend a message saying that her husband ‘s family was in my prayers after a heartbreaking loss, I didn’t just write it – I prayed it. Right then and there.
Then a bit later I whispered in prayer again as I drove Jr to my mom’s house for the day – that their day would be blessed and happy and safe. I again prayed for comfort for the family of my friend.
No more of this “finding time to pray,” thought process. Today and throughout this blessed holiday season, I am actively seeking ways and spaces to be in prayer continuously each day.

Leave a comment

Filed under Empowering the Spirit

Each day, begin again.

I guess I have Timehop to thank for my being here now.
For months I have seen past SOP posts popping up on my TimeHop feed via links I had posted on Twitter or Facebook, and each time I sigh wistfully as I read a piece of my past. My heart has been so called to break the silence here – but self-doubt can be an unbelievably loud internal voice.
“It’s been too long. No one cares. Leave it as it is. Who are you, at this time above all others, to take on more and speak to a relationship with God?”

It is that last one that kept me most away – but also that finally today brings me back.

This week I found myself Googling “Praying for my angry son.”
Praying. For. My. Angry. Son. On GOOGLE. On THE INTERNET.

It isn’t laziness. It is desperation. It is also, I quickly realized, the ultimate expression of self-doubt.
In the past few weeks, my sweet son has been so often full anger; of something pent up and out of his four-and-a-half-year-old range to process. It is frustrating to deal with extreme tantrums, sure. It is also heartbreaking to not be able to help.

I have prayed. Oh how I have prayed – for insight into him, for peace within him, for a wine truck to crash in to a liquid cheese truck in front of my house and spill their contents on to my lawn after a particularly rough bedtime. (Just kidding…. No serious.) I have prayed with him, I have prayed while holding him on my lap so he didn’t hurt himself (or us) as he raged. Endlessly have I prayed.

Then I stopped. This week I stopped. Because all of the different practices and distractions and rewards and punishments I have tried have fallen short of helping my sweet, angry son. So why, WHY, would I think that my prayers would fall any less short. Now my heart knows that this is just not at all the way it works, but it was full of sadness and the shame of failing my child.
My head ? My head always goes right for Google.

My search showed I was not in a vacuum – there was a good amount of content out there. Being reminded that the human experience is not one of isolation is comforting. It snapped something inside of me as well – the cloud of shame lifted a bit, and I could see the light at my feet again. I could see that broken and praying for my son is enough. I could see that who I am now is enough to speak it here.
I don’t have to know the right way or the right time. It is His way. His time. Each moment is a chance for renewal. My prayer today has been about giving thanks for the possibilities.

So we begin again.

Leave a comment

Filed under Empowering the Spirit